Member-only story
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Little Susie
Just call me Mork from Ork
She wasn’t invited
The little dumpling from down the block
Boys’ club but I’m not a boy
Tomboy adjacent
Honorary member
Playing street gang to AC/DC, Def Leppard, and Quiet Riot at maximum volume in the Marlboro smoke permeated air of my best friend’s basement
Betwixt his small-scale weightlifting bench and plastic barbells filled with sand
He was 8 and I must have been 9
No deep thoughts or worries were contained within this theater of child’s play
Our unique blend of Zen was obliterated when we stepped outside and Susie Tag-A-Long entered the scene
We were going about the business of seeing how much damage could be done to my Gizmo plushie ya know the Mogwai from Gremlins?
I had already given my Apricot doll (of the Strawberry Shortcake line) a wicked sunburn on my book lamp attached to my headboard that doubled as a tanning bed (she was a vain little bitch, that Apricot)
The rules of care for the Mogwai were: don’t feed after midnight, don’t get them wet, and no exposure to bright…
